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Setting Boundaries: Common Pitfalls to Avoid When Setting Boundaries

By: Terry Crosby

Setting boundaries is a critical component of respecting and caring for yourself. Some people naturally understand how to establish and protect their boundaries. For others, boundary-setting is a foreign skill that must be learned. If you are new to setting boundaries, there are two potential pitfalls to be aware of and avoid on your road to mastery.

The first problematic situation is when your boundaries are fluid. Although you've taken the step of setting a boundary, you are easily swayed by people who want to crash through your boundary.

Boundary crashers will resort to an array of manipulation techniques to get their way, such as guilt trips, sweet talking, or anger. Boundary crashers might even claim that you have a moral responsibility for taking care of them, claim that you don't love them, or even harm themselves to see whether you will step in as a rescuer. You might be tempted to compromise your boundary to make the other person feel happy and protected, as well as to protect yourself from the other person's anger or relieve your feelings of guilt.

But giving into a boundary crasher's demands has a downside for both parties. You'll feel disappointed and guilty, because you've betrayed yourself by sacrificing your comfort to make someone else happy. Repeated compromise also results in the boundary crasher never learning to be truly independent and self-sufficient.

The second pitfall to avoid is the opposite of the first, where you are so militant about protecting your boundaries that you turn them into walls. Boundaries aren't meant to be walls. They are a way to recognize values that you don't want others to violate or broken areas of your life that need to be fixed, just as you would prevent access to an area of broken pavement that is under construction. Militant boundary protectors sacrifice real intimacy in order to feel safe.

If an area of your life is badly damaged, you initially might need a strong boundary that keeps people far away, because you need the space to heal. The equivalent would be a chain link fence that keeps people from stepping into a hole where the sidewalk is ripped up so that the water main can be replaced. As you heal, you begin to use softer boundaries that let people closer to the area of hurt. The physical equivalent would be the plastic barrier tape that would keep people from stepping into newly poured concrete.

Some people, however, so badly fear someone hurting them again that they put up the equivalent of brick walls. These walls block the support and relationship that would allow them to become whole again. An unfortunate, but common, example would be a woman who has suffered physical abuse. Once she's found the strength to set up a boundary and escape the abusive relationship, she may turn the boundary of not tolerating verbal or physical abuse into a wall that prevents her from having another romantic relationship. She is unable to let men close to her because she is so scared of being abused again; the safer option is to keep them away altogether.

Healthy, intact boundaries fall in the middle of these two extremes. To be effective, they must be strong enough to provide consistent protection. But they must not be so impenetrable that the love, nurturing, energy and support of others cannot reach you. The key to healthy boundaries is for you to be able to choose your boundaries without fear, guilt, or coercion.

Article Source: http://www.newarticledaily.com

Terry Crosby is a co-founder and board of directors member of Foundations, a non-profit organization that delivers personal-development training at moderate prices. For a free audio program, "7 Keys to Building Character," visit www.foundations1.com/resources/building-character

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